Empowerment 2025

That’s a big word, ain’t it?

That’s my word for the year. Empowerment.

Seem simple enough, pick a word for 2025 & apply it to every area in my life.

Empower myself. What could be better right?

Empowerment: the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights.

Phewff!

Seems pretty straight forward except one thing.

I keep forgetting that I am still in pretty new grief.

It’s been just over 8 months since Dad died. Even though we all knew it was coming, it felt massive.

I think I’m doing fine but there’s a part of me that knows that in order to cope with the magnitude of it, I’m also doing a really good job of trying to forget.

Working a new job, completing certification as a Cultivating Safe Spaces facilitator, finished Training Phase 1 & 2 as an Intimacy Director & Mental Wellness Coordinator for Theatre, Film and TV followed by professional mentorship & further training in attachment, trauma-informed care & psychological safety.

I love learning life just not on the subject of Grief. Grief is like a cruel education and the exams are tears?

Sounds harsh but grief and I are not friends.

The funny thing or not so funny thing is that even though grief feels so big, it’s actually not that hard to forget about.

Just stay busy.

Western world society says Gosh, please get over it as quickly as possible as its uncomfortable as hell for all of us.

Thanks. Just forget about it, it’s in the past blah, blah, blah.

It is now in the past, yes.

Dad was my champion. He always knew the right thing to say & he somehow always managed to be there in my most vulnerable, distressed moments.

“You come from a long line of strong ancestors Nikki, the toughest”

Scottish roots on my dad’s side. Real tough.

God I miss him.

His face, his gruffness and his blue, blue eyes.

His smile, laugh and his scarred, rough hands.

Kenneth Ian Nattrass, born 31 March, 1940–18 July, 2024

I haven’t written a word since he died.

Numb- some days are still numb then disrupted unexpectedly by the sads that grip me when I remember he’s not here.

But today, I am driving home on a beautiful Spring afternoon. Cherry blossoms everywhere and I feel the impulse to write.

The blue sky and open highway in front of me is medicine.

A long drive to search within and let my mind and heart speak.

What do I feel most connected to?

What lights me up right now?

Chase the joy, they say.

A few weeks ago, I was invited to be a “Workshop Director” on a local production of the play “Women in Black” by Stephen Mallatratt.

**Women in Black, a 1983 goth, horror novel written by English author Susan Hill**

A unique play, in the “horror genre” about the destructive nature of unchecked grief.

A mother, Jennet Humfrye is in despairing grief about the loss of her child that she appears as a ghost to haunt her sister, the town and its people.

In his story, a young Arthur Kipps, a junior solicitor, is sent to settle the affairs of Alice Drablow. He sees a woman dressed in black at her funeral, though apparently no one else does. Arthur is haunted by noises and sightings of the woman. Eventually a local man, Sam Daily, reveals the full story of how Alice Drablow’s sister, Jennet, haunts the house. He explains that a child dies each time the woman in black is seen.

At the end of the story, Arthur sees the woman in black again and his wife and son die in a terrible accident.

It is a bone chilling story and the film adaptation (starring Daniel Radcliffe) has a few amazingly effective jump scares.

Who knew that working on this play was just what I needed.

A jump scare back to Joy.

Being back in the theatre lit me up. Back to my first career and love.

What a treat for me to work closely with the creative team as a Director.

I had several meetings with the directors to hear their vision & then rehearsal time to work directly with the actors and connect with the Design team as well.

The best part was the sudden realization that as a Director, I was able to apply all my skills and share tools from a Mental Wellness & trauma-informed care approach to support the process in a good way.

This was the last piece of the puzzle for me & it fit together easily.

I didn’t even realize how much I needed that but I did.

You know why? I forget sometimes. I forget a lot. I forget my grounding.

I do. I’m human.

I forget I directed a show that debuted in New York, on Theatre Row, 42nd Street Theatre at the largest Solo festival in the world.